FROM KIDS' COMEDIC MONOLOGUES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY
(KEEGAN a 7yr old boy with staccato delivery tries to get his truck back at the park from a two year old and the boy’s mother.)
Is that your son? He keeps taking my truck. Yes ma’am I was over there by the swings. He took my truck there too. Yes, I knew he’d take my truck if I came over here now. And guess what? He took it.
So what he’s 2, I’m 7. I still know better. My dad taught me to be respectful of other people’s property. Maybe you should be a better parent and do the same. Well if you were a better parent he wouldn’t take other people’s trucks. I’m only saying the truth, ma’am. Dad says lies are for liars and if I don’t want to be like my mom I should always tell the truth.
Yes, Cason listen to your mom; give me my truck back! Wait, Cason?! Who came up with that?! That sounds like a last name! (Laughs.) (Then proudly replies.) My name’s Keegan. It’s cool and different. Do you wish you came up with a name like mine, ma’am? You should.
No ma’am I’m not here with my mom. My dad’s successful so I have a nanny. You can’t see her. She texts then sleeps in the car.
Does Cason have a nanny? YOU take care of him?! You must be poor. Is Cason then going to steal my truck?! Well he still hasn’t given it back. Give me my truck back Cason!! Why do I have to wait until he stops crying?! He doesn’t have to cry! It’s my truck! I should be crying not him!!
(He twists his face and tries to cry. Nothing real comes out. Unable to dig up any real emotion he blurts out…)
I am very upset!
(He collects himself.)
Dad says using one’s words results in better communication; no communication results in divorce. Are you divorced? Really? Cason’s dad stayed with YOU?! No one stays with my dad and he’s way more attractive than you.
(Suddenly Cason lays the truck down in front of Keegan. Keegan shocked and afraid to lose his “friend,” changes his tune and tries to get him to stay.)
Oh thanks Cason. Are you sure you don’t want to play with my truck anymore? Cason? Ma’am? Where is your son going? Wait. Where are you going? Cason can keep playing with my truck if he wants! (He pushes the truck along with his foot and makes car sounds.) Vroom! Vroom!
(He keeps calling after them.)
I’m here all afternoon if Cason wants to play some more! He can have the truck! It’s not even my truck! I found it on the other side of the park! Ma’am! (Pleading.) Can you be my poor ugly nanny mother?! Cason! I’ll be your best friend! I don’t have one!
FROM TEEN GIRLS' COMEDIC MONOLOGUES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY
(Cami, a 17-year-old High School senior, is a wannabe popular girl—just cute enough to not be seen as a dork but not confident enough to be popular. She’s visiting her best friend Alicia late one night with a pink dress in hopes of turning that all around.)
Alicia, come on! You have to wear this dress with me to prom. Imagine how cool it will look when we show up in the same pink dress! Everybody will be like, “Oh my God—they’re wearing the same dress! How embarrassing!” But then they’ll see it’s us and go, “Oh yeah, Alicia and Cami always wear the same clothes and the same colors. How cool!” We’ll then definitely get into the yearbook when we look all happy that we look the same and, BONUS, we’ll get another photo for our yearly besties photo album!
What’s the matter with this dress? You don’t like pink? (Confused.) I’ve always liked pink… why would that be a problem for you now? Well yeah, we always wear what I want us to wear, so what? Yeah and I take a lot of time to find cool things for us to do, like getting you to drive us to Disneyland and getting you to buy us some Sephora makeovers for Halloween—I think those are pretty cool. (Frustrated but tries to clarify the situation.) Just because I don’t want to do anything you want to do has nothing to do with how I feel about you. We’re best friends.
Fine, fine, fine! We’ll go wherever you want to go to. Where do you want to go? Do you even know where you want to go? Spoken word festival? Like, “Sun. Moon. I make…funny noises… when I ssssspeeeeaaaaak.” What would we do, just listen and pretend we care? (Rolls her eyes.) I guess that could be fun. Fine! I’ll do open mic, poetry slam or spoken word or whatever. When is it? This Saturday? It had better be before the concert.
We don’t have tickets?! You never bought our tickets to Taylor Swift?!!! (Yelling mad!) Do you know how many times I called you to remind you to get them?! I kept it in my calendar! Like when the tickets were going on sale, where you had to buy them, what seats I wanted… YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BUY THEM!
You don’t like Taylor Swift?! Who are you?!
(Some boots in a corner suddenly catch her eye for the first time.)
Oh my God—are those combat boots?! Did you just raid Hot Topic at the mall this weekend and not let me know? (Looks on the walls as if never noticed before.) Why are all your movie posters in French?! When did this happen?!
(Looks horrified as she scans the floor and Alicia’s bed.)
There are books everywhere! You READ?!
(The severity of the moment has just hit her.)
Oh my God… I’m never going to get into the yearbook. You’re never gonna wear that pink dress are you? I can’t believe I wasted my friendship on you. After everything I did for you. Fine I didn’t do anything but I made you DO THINGS! I made you look cool! Thanks to me you knew what to wear! I obviously gave you enough sense to not let anyone know until now that you have a poster of (Murders the pronunciation.) “A Bout De Souffle?!”
Is this really where you want to go, Alicia? Be your own person, wear whatever you want and not have a best friend? Because that’s what you’re telling me. You’re actions right now are ending our digital Friends Forever photo album at page 52.
Fine. Then wear your combat boots and your all black ensemble to prom. I’m going to wear my fabulous pink dress. And I swear to you Alicia, before prom, I’ll find another, a better best friend to wear this pink dress I got you to buy for yourself and I WILL get into the yearbook.
(She storms out.)